On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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