im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
