just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
