Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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