He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
