just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
