I think im going to throw up on grandma
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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