he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
