I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dear god my vagina.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
