I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The Olympian is in my bed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
