I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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