if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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