I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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