I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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