I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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