Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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