I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
