So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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