i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
