My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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