..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
