Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
