I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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