Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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