his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.