totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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