I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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