I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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