I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
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'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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