I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.