I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
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Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.