We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.