my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
