are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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