I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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