My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He did a backflip because drugs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
