She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
