The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
