so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
