I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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