im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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