Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
