I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
