I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
