Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
