When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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