My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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