someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
