The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
