Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
