So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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