I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
