her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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