my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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