Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I puked a lego.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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