I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
