My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
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Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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